I was listening to a podcast the other week. I honestly could not tell you the name or who produced it, but if it was you, let me know. Anyways, this podcast was talking about the balance of negative and positive emotions. They mentioned how feeling the negative emotions allows us to feel the positive emotions that much more. By not suppressing them, we allow them to pass and then we can feel the happier moments.
We go through tragic moments, bad things happen, and we have to figure out how to manage it, how to embrace the pain and the hurt while also not letting it take us captive. I sat in my grief over my mother for longer than I care to admit. I mentioned before, I would cry in church. I grieved for 3 years before she even passed. I struggled with allowing myself to feel the pain of loss over the future.
my struggle
It took me captive. Every decision I made after she was diagnosed was about her. My anxiety was at its worst. I had a job that I hated, that I only got because I was scared of missing the last moments of my mom’s life. I was pregnant with my first child, one I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to have in the first place and one I wasn’t sure she would even meet. It was a lot to deal with and it ended with me in the ER for a panic attack.
I hid from my family and friends for a long time. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially not my mom who was going through the worst. I wasn’t honest about my struggles, the only person who saw my true struggle was my husband. When I had my panic attack, my husband called my dad to come over. When neither of them could calm me down, they drove me to my parents’ house to see my mom.
She did her best to calm me down. She held me and told me it was going to be alright. I should’ve been the one comforting her not the other way around. It was the only thing I could think about. My dad and husband took me to the ER to check on the baby. I was starting to cramp which was just compounding all the anxiety. When I knew my baby was okay, I was able to calm down and my husband took me home.
After that, I quit the job that I hated. I tried to talk more about what I was feeling, but it was still only with my husband. It didn’t get better overnight. I wish I could tell you it did. Honestly, it wasn’t until my OBGYN put me on antidepressants that I started to feel normal again. And even then, it was a grief-stricken normal at best. It’d be years before I had any semblance of the life I had before my mom got cancer.
embracing grief
I know this is a pretty depressing story. It’s ugly and messy. And it was supposed to be during one of the happiest moments of my life. I was pregnant. My first child was coming, something that I had been praying would happen. I should have been glowing. But instead, it was one of the darkest points in time.
At the beginning of this article, I talked about negative and positive emotions and I’ve only really mentioned the negative emotions that I felt way too much of. I had to learn how to not let those negative feelings take over while still letting myself feel them. I’m not perfect at it by any stretch of the imagination.
There are two things I want to share with you that have really helped. And I think doing these two things, by allowing myself to grieve and feel sad, has led me to also feel happiness and joy.
Talk about it.
This one seems pretty basic. In my family, we share stories about my mom all the time. We don’t shy away from mentioning her name or ignoring the past. We recognize it happened, we celebrate her memory and we let ourselves be open. We tell each other she would be proud of us when we’ve done something great or we share her anecdotes when we need advice. It by no means replaces her and there is still a sadness for her vacant spot. But it allows us to laugh and joke and honor her in a way that she would appreciate.
Pray about it.
This one is harder, I’ll admit. But the truth is that God wants to hear our pain. He wants to hear our sorrow. Not because He takes pleasure in it, but because He’s grieved too. He gave up His Son for us. He felt that loss and He knows what we’re going through. He knows our pain and He wants to hear about it. And by praying about it, sharing our grief with Him, removes the burden from us and places it on His back.
moving forward
Coming to terms with our grief is not an easy task. And it’s not something we can do overnight or that just happens once. But when we recognize it and name it and allow ourselves to be honest with ourselves and others about what we’re feeling, then we can feel joy. We can move through it and embrace the joy other moments bring.
I thought writing this blog would send me back down into a deep depression, but honestly, I’ve felt so much joy at this new adventure. And going back and looking through old pictures and thinking about the stories I want to share about my mom has allowed me to grieve but also let it out instead of suppressing it.
“When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: “My God, how great Thou art!”
How Great Thou Art
This hymn would pop in my head some nights when I had trouble sleeping or a lot was weighing on my heart. This song was also playing around the moment my mom died. Call me crazy, I don’t mind, but I think God was using this song to comfort me. That no matter what trouble was going to come, He was in control. And when it played that morning she passed, I knew God was saying He was in control..
What ways are you suppressing grief? how can you talk about it or pray about it? Let me know in the comments below about your experience or hit my contact me form to message me privately.
