I became a mother while my mom was undergoing treatments for metastatic breast cancer. I knew when I got pregnant that my mom would most likely not get to see this child grow up, that she would only have a limited amount of time with her. My mom would only get to see me be a mom for a few years, and I would only get a few years to soak up all the advice she had to give about being a mom. I was pregnant with my second child when my mom died.
Becoming a Mom
My mom was diagnosed about six months before I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. To say I was stressed is an understatement. During those six months, a lot changed between moving to Dallas, finding and starting a new job, and my husband starting his bachelor’s degree. My body didn’t know how to handle it. I had an irregular menstrual cycle in July, and then my period stopped for a few months.
I struggled with wanting to be a mom. Deep down, it was something I always wanted, but part of me was terrified. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and I was scared of what effect that would have on my children. Because being a parent is a huge responsibility, not one you can take lightly. I convinced myself for a long time that I would be a horrible mother if I ever had kids, and it wasn’t worth the risk to me.
I went to see a doctor in July of that year, and she did a few tests. They were inconclusive, but she suspected I had PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. She explained that I would probably have difficulties getting pregnant, but it wasn’t impossible. I had a conversation with my mom about it and confided in her my fears of being a mother and having those dreams potentially taken away. My mom had also had trouble getting pregnant when she was younger, and she was even told she couldn’t have children.
My Mom’s Journey
My mom was very encouraging. Her philosophy was that every child was a gift from God. My parents had gotten married young, at age 21. They tried for years to have kids. When my mom was 28, she had a miscarriage. She thought for sure that was it; she wasn’t meant to have children. She went to doctors, and they told her she probably wouldn’t have kids. She went on to attend law school and become a lawyer before becoming pregnant with my oldest sister. She was 32. She quit working once she had my sister.
My mom went on to have four living children and even had my brother at 43. She had a miscarriage and a child who had potter’s syndrome, a disease in which the kidneys don’t properly develop. I believe he only lived for about a day at most before he passed. Growing up, we would celebrate his birthday every year with cake. For the longest time, my mom was convinced that she wouldn’t have kids and ended up with the four of us. She always told us we were blessings, which we’d roll our eyes at. We couldn’t understand what she meant just yet.
When I talked to her, she knew what I was going through. She experienced the pain of not knowing whether she would have kids, of losing kids even, and she knew how to meet me in that place. She understood my fears about being a mom, and her wisdom during these conversations are some I will carry with me forever. When I told her I was pregnant with my first child, she was elated. She knew my joy and couldn’t be happier to have another grandchild.
Being a Mom without My Mom
It wasn’t until I had my daughter that I understood what my mom meant by we were all blessings. My first pregnancy was completely unexpected. I couldn’t plan for my daughter. She was a gift. I was terrified all through my pregnancy about being an awful mom. In my heart, I knew it was something that I wanted, but my mind was playing tricks on me. When she came, though, I knew that this was what I was meant to do without a shadow of a doubt. It still scares me being a mom, but my girls are so wonderful I wouldn’t want a life without them.
In those first two years, I leaned on and learned from my mom as much as I could because I knew our time was limited. Any advice she had to give, I was all ears. The best thing, though, she ever told me was that no one was going to know your child like you do. You know what’s best for them and what they need, and you need to trust your instincts. There are still many moments while parenting where I wish I could ask for my mom’s advice. Moments where I want to share the funny things that my daughters do or ways they act just like her. I’ll tell my husband sometimes of the things they do that my mom would enjoy. I ask my sisters for advice, but it’s just not the same thing.
Being pregnant when my mom passed is, without a doubt, one of the most challenging things I’ve had to endure. I’ll write more on this experience in other posts because it’s one that’s integral to my experience with grief. But I will say this. I wish my mom could have met my daughter. She is the only grandchild, as of right now, she hasn’t met, and it hurts so deeply that she hasn’t met her because I just know she would’ve loved her.
Some of these posts have been harder to write than others. This is one of the harder ones. Talking about what it means to be a mom while not having my mom here hurts. It is not something I planned on. My mom was always supposed to be there when I had kids. Life doesn’t go as we plan, and that is exponentially true with parenting. Kids are unexpected, difficult but full of joy and wonder. Babies never come at the perfect moment or as planned. But life is a gift, and so is motherhood, and I’m so incredibly thankful I had the time with my mom that I did.
